Dreaming in Misery
by starlight2205
Summary: Set after episode 5x5, Peytons life seems like a sinking ship. Can she pull herself together and get over Lucas? Or will she always be haunted by what "could have been"?
1. I try to breathe

_Disclaimer: I own nothing!_

After watching the latest episode: "I forgot to remember to forget" I was struck with inspiration. This story was totally inspired by the song "Fade" by Staind. If you haven't heard it, look it up!

Peyton stared at Lucas's retreating back, fighting the urge to call out to him. When she was certain that he was gone, she let out the breath that she had been holding and began to shake as the sobs racked her body. She remembered their last real conversation like it was yesterday.

_"I want to marry you someday Lucas, I just need some time." She had said, the joy seeping from her voice as she noted the defeated look on Lucas's face. _

If she had known then that Lucas would quit on her because of that, she would have jumped at his proposal. Hell, she would have jumped through fiery hoops if it would have saved her from the pain she had lived with since.

"Get it together Peyton." She sighed under her breath, as she wiped her eyes. She quickly gathered up her things and headed home. She half-hoped that Lucas would still be in the parking lot, waiting to talk to her. Her shoulders slumped as she hit the cool air and saw an empty parking lot, save for her own car. She slowly climbed into the car and turned the music up as loud as it would go, hoping, in vain, to drown out her thoughts.

There were lights on when she pulled up in front of the house that she and Brooke were living in. Peyton took her time parking the car and walking up to the door. She really needed to talk to Brooke, but she knew from experience that a drunken Brooke didn't always give the best advice.

"P. Sawyer! What took your scrawny ass so long?" Brooke laughed, as Peyton came into the living room. Peyton took note of the nearly empty bottle of liquor in Brooke's hand.

"I got held up with Mia." She lied, trying to muster a smile.

"Yeah well, while you were playing counselor, I was scoring hot bartender's phone number!" Brooke screeched, waving a piece of paper around. Peyton nodded quickly, trying to hold the fake smile on her face.

"That's great Brooke. Listen, I'm gonna go to bed. I have to meet Mia in the morning." Peyton said, hoping Brooke would accept her excuse.

"Fine, Ms. Party Pooper, I'll just sit here with Jack, or is it Jim?" Brooke asked, staring, in confusion, at the bottle in her hand.

"Have fun with what's-his-name." Peyton called over her shoulder. She took the stairs two at a time and all but ran to her room. She threw her bag down on the floor and flung herself across the bed, hoping to muffle the sobs. At some point, she fell asleep, but it was a restless sleep filled with nightmares.

The next morning her alarm clock woke her easily, for once. She rolled over with a groan and turned it off. She could hear Brooke singing off-key in the shower. She shook her head as she made out the ancient pop song that Brooke was butchering. It never ceased to amaze her that she and Brooke had stayed friends for so long when they were so fundamentally different.

"Come on, sunshine, you're going to be late!" Brooke called as she rapped on Peyton's door.

"Yeah, I know." Peyton answered softly, not really caring if she was late or not. In fact, she didn't care about a lot at this point. She slowly drug herself out of bed and grabbed the first pair of jeans and the first shirt that she came in contact with. She changed quickly and threw her hair back in a low ponytail and went down to meet Brooke.

"Wow, going for the grunge look today?" Brooke asked, cocking an eyebrow up when she saw Peyton's wardrobe choice.

"Yeah, something like that." Peyton agreed, as she surveyed the contents of the refrigerator. She didn't see anything that sounded good, so she sat down at the breakfast bar to wait for Brooke to finish eating.

"Okay. Hey, can you drop me off at the store? I'd drive, but I'm kinda hiding out from Victoria." Brooke asked, shrugging her jacket on.

"Sure." Peyton replied, glad for once that Brooke was chatterbox in the mornings. Peyton mentally checked out of the conversation before they even left the house. She had been dissecting the moment when she had told Luke that she still loved him, over and over in her head. She tried to remember if there was any hope or happiness in his eyes, but she could only remember how sad he had looked.

"Peyton, Earth to Peyton? We're here, are you coming in?" Brooke asked, snapping Peyton out of her thoughts. She glanced around and saw that Brooke had already exited the vehicle.

"Oh, yeah. Sorry, I'm just a little…" Peyton trailed off, not sure exactly what she was.

"Worried about Mia? Don't be. I'm sure she'll come around." Brooke smiled, reassuringly. Peyton nodded, not quite meeting Brooke's eyes. Peyton followed Brooke into the store, intending to go through the back to her office. She wasn't watching where she was going and she bumped into someone, nearly knocking them to the ground.

"I'm so sorry." Peyton apologized, bending down to help the girl up.

"It's okay Peyton." Lindsey answered, brushing her skirt off. Peyton bit her lip as she finally noticed Lindsey and Carrie, Hailey's nanny. Brooke was standing behind Lindsey, making wild gestures that clearly told Peyton not to engage in drama with Lindsey here. Peyton felt frozen to the spot. She knew that she should apologize to Lindsey for the way that she had spoken about her, but she couldn't bring herself to apologize to the one person that had everything that Peyton wanted.

"Lindsey, are you ready?" Lucas asked, walking into the store. He stopped suddenly when he saw Peyton. Time slowed for Peyton, as she glanced from Lindsey, perfect Lindsey, to Lucas, her Lucas, and back again. Without a word, she tore through the store and ran to the sanctity of her office. She was dismayed to find that not even her office was safe anymore. She could remember exactly how he had leaned against the door, the path he had walked towards her and if she tried really hard, she could almost smell the cologne he had been wearing. He was haunting her, and there was nowhere that she would be safe. How can you run from your memories?


	2. Memories overtaking me

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

Peyton slumped over her desk, exhausted. She was exhausted physically, as well as, mentally.

"Will this day never end?" She muttered, as she heard the sound of someone knocking, timidly, at her office door. Since her early morning encounter with Lindsey and Lucas, Peyton had been going ninety miles an hour, throwing herself into her work with Mia, at the studio.

"Peyton, are you in there? It's Haley." Peyton heard Haley call through the door. Peyton stopped short of opening the door. She bit her lip as she considered pretending that she wasn't in her office. Peyton knew that Haley had good intentions, but she wasn't sure if she could deal with Haley's meddling right now.

"Yeah, I'm here. Sorry, I was just going through some songs for Mia." Peyton said, opening the door for Haley.

"Oh, that's great. Have you found anything decent?" Haley asked, sitting down in front of Peyton's desk.

"No, not yet, but I have hundreds to go through." Peyton responded, flipping through a huge stack of papers.

"Anyway, I'm sure that's not why you're really here, is it?" Peyton asked bluntly. Haley opened her mouth, as if to object, then closed it and sat back.

"No, you're right, that's not why I'm here." Haley agreed, as she began to bounce her leg nervously.

"So who sent you? Lucas, or was it Lindsey?" Peyton asked, trying to keep her tone light.

"Neither, although Lucas is worried about you. Brooke called me this morning; she said that you kinda freaked out when you ran into Luke and Lindsey. What's going on, Peyton?" Haley asked, leaning closer to the desk.

"Nothing is going on. Oh, but you can tell Lucas to stop worrying about me. In fact, you can tell Lucas that I don't even want him to think about me anymore, because I sure as hell am not going to waste my thoughts on him!" Peyton replied, her voice growing louder, until she was practically yelling at Haley.

"Wow, okay, um Peyton, can you please just tell me what happened? You say that nothing is wrong, but obviously there is something going on between you and Lucas." Haley argued. Peyton shook her head in frustration.

"Okay Haley, you want to know what's going on, right. Let's start at the beginning. Once upon a time, there were two kids who thought they loved each other. One day, out of the blue, I might add, the boy comes to California and springs a proposal on this girl. This girl is absolutely overjoyed, she loves this boy with all of her heart, but she knows that they're still just kids. She tells the boy that she wants to marry him, but that they need to take it slowly. Well, the boy is having none of it and leaves the girl heartbroken and never comes back. Fast forward, three years or so, and the boy is in love with someone else, but this girl can't seem to get over the boy. So of course, she does something stupid and tells the boy that she will always love him. Needless to say he doesn't reciprocate her feelings. So here I am, trying to pretend that everything is fine, but it's not fine, Haley. I can't stop loving him, and I'm not allowed to love him, so where does that leave me?" Peyton asked, as Haley came around the desk and threw her arms around Peyton.

"It'll be okay Peyton. I know it will." Haley whispered, as she rubbed Peyton's back.

"I don't know how. I know that I said that I didn't come back for him, but I lied. He's the only person that I can imagine spending my life with." Peyton admitted, wiping the tears from her eyes. Haley nodded, sympathetically.

"Are you going to be okay? I have something I have to do." Haley asked, gathering her things.

"Yeah, I'm probably going to stay here and try to find a great song for Mia. Oh, and Haley, please don't say anything to Brooke or Lucas. I don't want Lucas to know how pathetic I am, and Brooke will go on some wild mission to get Luke and I back together." Peyton asked. Haley gave her a small smile and nodded.

"Sure. I won't say anything. Thank you for trusting me Peyton." Haley said softly, pulling the door shut behind her.

Peyton grabbed a stack of songs and began to read through them. After reading a few dozen songs, she tossed down the stack of papers in disgust.

"Why can't anyone write a song about real emotions anymore?" She asked, sitting back in her chair. A small smile grew on her lips. She quickly grabbed one of the songs and turned it over. She rummaged through her desk, until she found a pen, and quickly began to write.


	3. I try to face them

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Peyton wrote through the night. Sometimes it was in quick spurts, other times she sat, lost in thought, for a few hours before she picked up her pen. With the sun coming up over the horizon, Peyton put the pen down and sat back, reading over her lyrics.

She was taken by surprise when her phone began ringing loudly.

"Peyton Sawyer, can I help you?" She answered cautiously, wondering who was calling her office at this early hour.

"Peyton? Thank God! I tried to wake you up this morning and you weren't here. I had just assumed you came home after I fell asleep." Brooke said, the panic in her voice subsiding, as she spoke.

"I'm fine Brooke. I was working on a side project and lost track of time, sorry." Peyton apologized.

"Hey, are you okay? I don't know what that was, between you, Lucas and Lindsey yesterday, but you know if you need to talk that I'm here, right?" Brooke asked softly.

"Yeah, I know. Thanks Brooke." Peyton replied with a smile.

"Alright, well I'll see you in about an hour." Brooke said, ending the conversation. Peyton hung up the phone and already her mind was racing. She wanted to tell Brooke everything. She really did, but she knew that Brooke wouldn't be satisfied until she had done everything in her power to try and work things out for Peyton. And this time, it wasn't possible to solve her problem, not unless Brooke possessed the power to go back in time. Peyton quickly pushed those thoughts away and got back to work, editing Mia's new song.

"Okay little worker-bee, I come with supplies." Brooke called out as she marched into Peyton's office. Peyton glanced up and saw that Brooke was loaded down with coffee, donuts and a duffel bag slung over her shoulder.

"Wow, thanks Brooke." Peyton smiled, taking a cup of coffee and the bag of donuts from Brooke and placing them on her desk.

"No problem, these are for you, Blondie." Brooke added, passing Peyton the duffel bag.

"I figured you might want some clean clothes, some make-up, and a hairbrush." Brooke ticked the items off on her fingers.

"Thank you! You really didn't have to do all of this." Peyton said, digging through the bag to see what Brooke had packed.

"Don't thank me yet, I figured you could use some help in the clothes department, so I decided to give you your birthday gift early. I've been working on a new punk line for clothes over bros, and I want you to have the first official piece." Brooke said, flashing Peyton a smile, before she exited the room, pulling the door shut behind her. Peyton pulled the clothes out of the bag, worrying slightly about seeing Brooke Davis's take on punk clothing.

"Wow." Peyton breathed, as ran her hand down the dress that Brooke had given her. It had originally been a sleeveless, white tennis dress, but Brooke had torn the fabric in various places and sewn it up again with black polka dot fabric behind it. She had used big silver safety pins to close up the holes. The bottom of the skirt had an extra panel of denim added, with spray-painted pink and black stars stenciled on. Peyton grinned as she quickly took off her day old clothes and threw the dress over her head. As she did so, she knocked the duffel off of her desk, and out flew some fishnet stockings.

"You think of everything, don't you Brooke?" Peyton asked aloud as she bent down to retrieve the stockings. After she had finished dressing, she attempted to make her unruly hair do _something_, but she eventually gave up and left it as it was. She was adding some finishing touches to her make-up when she heard someone knocking on her door.

"Come in!" She called, around the mascara tube that she was holding between her teeth.

"Lucas!" Peyton said, the surprise evident in her tone. She quickly pulled the mascara out of her mouth and screwed the lid shut.

"Wow, that is an amazing dress. You look beautiful, Peyton." Lucas said, taking in her new ensemble.

"Thank you, but your opinion doesn't count anymore, remember?" She replied coldly, trying not to show just how much his opinion of her actually meant.

"Right. Listen, I think we need to talk. Is there anyway you would consider meeting me for dinner tonight?" Lucas asked, pleading with his eyes. When Peyton didn't answer, he continued.

"C'mon Peyt, we used to be friends. Can we please just talk, like civil adults?"

"I don't know Lucas. What does Lindsey have to say about you asking me to dinner?" Peyton asked pointedly. Lucas sighed before responding.

"I don't know. Lindsey is my girlfriend, not my mother. I think that I can take a friend out to dinner without having to ask permission." Lucas replied sarcastically.

"Oh, so she doesn't know." Peyton replied in amusement. She shook her head, smiling at the thought of Lucas telling Lindsey about this.

"No, she's back in New York for the week." Lucas admitted. Peyton knew that she should say 'no', if not for the sake of Luke and Lindsey's relationship, but for her own sake as well. She needed distance from Lucas so that she could get over him, once and for all.

"Sure, pick me at 7pm." Peyton replied. She quickly decided that she would give him one more night before she cut him out of her life. And if Lucas wanted to jeopardize his relationship, that was his business.


	4. The thought is too much to conceive

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

Peyton's eyes were glued to the clock. It currently read 6:42 pm. She had been watching the numbers tick down for the last hour.

"Peyton?" Brooke called, barging into Peyton's office.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you." Brooke apologized, seeing the way that Peyton had jumped when Brooke had called out.

"It's okay, I was just thinking." Peyton replied, trying to breathe deeply and calm her racing heart.

"So, I was thinking, why don't we do something tonight? Instead of moping around at home, we could go out and have some fun." Brooke said pointedly.

"Uh, that would be great, but I have plans already." Peyton admitted slowly. She dreaded telling Brooke exactly what those plans were.

"Okay, Peyton, you can't spend another night locked in your office. Those are plans that can be broken." Brooke stated. Peyton could see that Brooke wasn't going to take "no" for an answer tonight.

"I'm not staying here. Uh, actually, Lucas asked me to go to dinner with him." Peyton mumbled softly. Brooke's eyes flashed over Peyton, seemingly unable to determine if Peyton were joking or not.

"You're kidding right?" Brooke asked, staring daggers into Peyton. Peyton shook her head slightly.

"What are you thinking Peyton?" Brooke exploded.

"Peyton, I love you, you know that, but you have got to let Lucas go. He has a relationship with Lindsey!" Brooke continued softly.

"I know all this. He's the one who asked me to dinner." Peyton replied defensively. Brooke arched an eyebrow, taking in Peyton's words.

"He asked you? Does Lindsey even know?" Brooke asked, narrowing her eyes. Peyton turned, leveling her gaze at Brooke.

"I don't know, why don't you ask him." She replied, matter-of-factly, nodding her head at Lucas, who had slipped in quietly behind Brooke.

"Ask him what?" Lucas questioned, swinging his gaze from Peyton to Brooke.

Brooke gave Peyton one last dirty look, before she turned and gave Lucas her patented 100-watt smile.

"Nothing important. Have a nice night and be good." She called over her shoulder, strongly emphasizing the last two words."

"Anything that I should know about?" Lucas asked Peyton, motioning in the direction that Brooke had exited. Peyton shook her head as she quickly gathered her things together.

"Nope, just Brooke being…" She trailed off, at a loss for a good way to describe her best friend.

"Brooke." They stated together. They laughed for a few moments before an awkward silence settled over them. Lucas cleared his throat and Peyton fiddled with her purse straps, as she searched for something to say that didn't involve her growing need for him to be back in her life.

"Alright, well, let's go." Lucas said, finding his voice. Peyton nodded and followed him out of Tric. The ride through town was done in silence. Peyton passed the time by forcing herself to stare out the window, instead of across the car. They had arrived at the restaurant, been seated and had ordered their food before either of them spoke.

"So, I wanted to talk to you, about us. Well about us and Lindsey, I mean about Lindsey and I, and you." Lucas began, stumbling over his words.

"We've been friends for a really long time. I just don't want to lose that." Lucas finished, staring across the table at Peyton.

"I don't want to lose our friendship either, Lucas. Hell, I didn't want to lose our relationship, but that didn't stop you, did it." Peyton replied, her tone growing hateful. She sighed and dropped her head into her hands, fighting the emotions that were threatening to pour out. When she raised her head, she saw that Lucas had turned away from her.

"Lucas, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought that up." She admitted. Lucas nodded, but didn't turn back to her.

"You're right; you shouldn't have brought that up. Don't you think that I've beat myself up enough over that? Don't you know how much it hurt me to hear that you didn't want to marry me?" He replied, through gritted teeth. Peyton felt the tears welling up in her eyes as she heard the raw emotion in his voice.

"I wanted to marry you Luke! For goodness sake, we were just kids! For once in my life, I didn't want to rush into something, because I actually cared about the consequences. That day was the happiest day of my life." She finished softly. Lucas turned to her, the tears visible in his eyes. Peyton covered her mouth, in order to stifle the sob that was fighting to escape.

"Mine too." Lucas nodded. He stood, and ran his hand down her arm and squeezed her hand, before walking out of the restaurant.


	5. I can change

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

Peyton quickly followed Lucas out of the restaurant. She found him, sitting on a bench, his head buried in his hands.

"Lucas?" She asked, sitting down beside him. Peyton wanted to pull him to her, to kiss his hair and to tell him that it was alright now, but she couldn't.

"I'm sorry Peyton. I'm sorry for the way I've acted tonight, and for the way I've acted since you've been back. I shouldn't have asked you to dinner tonight." Lucas said, his eyes betraying message that he was trying to send. Peyton leaned in, wanting to comfort him, somehow. Lucas turned, his lips meeting Peyton's. Peyton melted into Lucas, as the kiss turned fiery.

"I can't do this to Lindsey." He said softly, pulling away from Peyton. He gave her a long look before he pushed himself off the bench and away from her. Peyton sat back, stunned at the decision that Lucas had just made. Once again, Peyton had held Lucas in the palm of her hand, and once again, she had let him slip right through. Defeated, Peyton pulled out her cell phone and called Brooke for a ride home. As she waited for Brooke to arrive, she strolled down the sidewalk, feeling worse than ever. She had to stop. She couldn't keep compromising herself, her morals and her values for a man. She couldn't keep asking Lucas to do it either.

The beeping of Brooke's car horn startled her. She turned and quickly climbed into the car. Brooke was showing her concern, but Peyton just shook her head, hoping to avoid Brooke's prying questions, at least for tonight.

"Peyton, what happened?" Brooke finally asked, as they were about to pull into the driveway.

"I did what I do best. I screwed up." Peyton answered her voice hard. Brooke cocked an eyebrow in Peyton's direction, but remained silent.

"That's what you want to hear, isn't it? That I manipulated the situation, that I took advantage of Lucas's feelings towards me. That's right, that whore, Peyton, kissed Lindsey's Lucas." Peyton lashed out, angrily, as she got out of Brooke's car and slammed the door.

She stalked up to the house, threw open the door and stomped up the stairs to her room. Peytonthrew herself across the bed and muffled a scream with her pillow. She was so very angry. She was angry at herself, for not showing more self-restraint. She was angry at Lucas, first for tempting her and second, for being so loyal to Lindsey. She was angry at Brooke for being nosy, angry at Haley for not being a better friend two years ago, and pleading Peyton's case to Lucas. She was just plain angry.

Peyton ignored Brooke's timid knock at her door. She knew that Brooke just wanted to help, but Peyton was too angry to be considerate of other's feelings.

"Peyton, please open the door." Brooke pleaded from the hallway. Peyton answered her by turning on the stereo at full blast. She was well aware that she was behaving like a child, but she was too angry to care.

"Fine Peyton, be a bitch!" She heard Brooke, screaming over Peyton's music, from the other side of the door. Peyton shook her head ruefully. She was the one who'd lost the boy that she loved, failed at her dream, came home to try to set things right again, only to find out that the only boy she'd ever wanted to marry, was dating a perfect, plastic Barbie doll, and yet Peyton was the one being accused of being a bitch? She quickly got off of her bed, grabbed a duffel bag from her closet and began to slam some clothes into it. She had to get away. She needed some time and space to clear her head. She was considerate enough to write a short note, explaining her disappearance, for anyone who still cared, before she threw open the window and climbed down to the ground.

Once she had walked a few block away, she called for a cab. When the cabbie pulled up, she threw her duffel in the back and climbed in.

"The Hole, please." She told the cabbie, when he asked where to. He gave her a curious glance, in the rearview window, when she named the place that she wanted to be taken to. She smiled and nodded, and the cabbie slowly pulled away from the curb. She might not look the type, she knew who frequented the Hole, but that was just the place for her tonight.


	6. Everything else stays the same

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

Peyton tipped the cab driver, grabbed her bag and entered the seedy motel. After she had secured a room for the night and dropped her stuff off in it, she walked down the sidewalk to the bar that was attached to the motel. Peyton stifled as laugh as she watched the neon lights that spelled out "The Hole" flicker off so that they simple read "The Ho". It was almost as if the bar was welcoming her.

Peyton slowly made her way through the crowd of people. The bar was dark and smoky, with raunchy music playing on the jukebox. She made her way to the bar and waited for a bartender to come and take her order. As she waited, she scanned the crowd, unsure if she hoped to see any familiar faces or not.

"Are you buying, or am I charging you rent for that seat, Blondie?" A familiar voice asked. Peyton turned towards the bar, shocked to see who was tending the bar.

"Rachel?" Peyton asked, grinning at the fiery red head.

"Shut up skank." Rachel Gatina laughed as she leaned over the bar to hug Peyton.

"Whatever, whore!" Peyton replied. Rachel winked as she grabbed two shot glasses, a full bottle of whiskey and slid over the bar onto the barstool beside Peyton.

"We can have a drink while we catch up." Rachel said as she poured two shots, downed hers and passed one to Peyton. Peyton swirled the whiskey in the glass before throwing hers back as well. The alcohol burned all the way down her throat.

"So what brings you here?" Rachel asked, already pouring a second shot.

"Drama, what else?" Peyton replied, throwing her hands up. This was still Tree hill, after all.

"Of course. Whose boyfriend did you steal this time, ho?" Rachel joked, sliding Peyton a second shot. Peyton opened her mouth to defend herself, before realizing that Rachel wasn't too far off the mark.

"Lindsey's." Peyton replied, downing her second shot.

"Lindsey huh? Let me guess, she's dating Lucas Scott?" Rachel asked knowingly. Peyton raised an eyebrow, marveling at Rachel's newfound psychic abilities.

"Are you stalking me?" Peyton asked, half-seriously.

"Please. If I was going to swing that way, I'd find a way hotter chick than you, Sawyer. I just know you. If you were willing to sacrifice your friendship with Brooke for Lucas, then he must be the one for you." Rachel nodded, forgoing the shot glass in favor of swigging from the bottle.

"What about you? Why are you tending bar in this place?" Peyton asked, ready to be out of the spotlight.

"It's fun. I get all the free alcohol and ass that I want." Rachel said simply. With Rachel, there never had to be a complicated thought process behind her actions. She did what felt good and took no prisoners.

"This isn't a nice place though. You deserve better." Peyton said seriously. She had always imagined Rachel as larger than life. Bartending in a small town did not fit the image that Peyton had of her.

"No, I don't. But you do. Go back to your life Sawyer. I'm betting that Lucas knows that he's the one for you. He'll come around." Rachel said, gathering up the now-empty bottle of whiskey and the shot glasses. She gave Peyton a sad smile before she climbed back over the bar.

"I'm calling you a cab. Go home." She added, as she flipped open her cell and dialed. Peyton sat there, thinking about what Rachel had said. She wanted to believe that Rachel was right, that Lucas would come around. She had seen the way he had looked at her tonight. She knew that he still loved her. She just had to wait until he decided to stop lying to himself. She grabbed her purse and waved to Rachel, who was already flirting with some random guy.

As she got back into the cab, she promised herself that she would start playing fair. She wanted Lucas back, but she wanted him to come back to her all on his own.


	7. Out of the darkness

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Peyton directed the cabbie to drive her back to Tric. She had realized, moments after leaving The Hole, that in her haste to leave the house she had mistakenly grabbed her work keys instead of her house keys.

Peyton cursed to herself, as she noted Lucas's car in the parking lot of Tric. She tipped the cabbie and made her way into the unlocked building.

"Hello?" She called out, as she glanced around the empty room. Peyton sat her bag down on the bar and walked down the hallway to her office. She pushed open the door that was already slightly ajar.

"Lucas, what are you doing in my office…?" She trailed off, as the realization hit her.

"You." Lindsey said, accusatorily, as she sat behind the desk, almost as if she had been waiting for Peyton.

"Why are you in my office?" Peyton asked angrily, as Lindsey stalked towards her.

"Why are you trying to steal my boyfriend?" Lindsey replied, stopping just inches from Peyton.

"I don't know what you're talking about." Peyton shook her head, fervently hoping that Lindsey was just blowing off steam.

"Oh, you don't, do you? Hmm, let's see. I get home from New York tonight and Lucas tells me that he wants us to 'take some time'." Lindsey began, air quoting Lucas's words.

"You know, I never even saw it coming. Everyone always told me how lucky I was, that Lucas was such a good guy." Lindsey continued sarcastically, as she paced the floor in front of Peyton.

"Well, in my book, good guys don't kiss their exes." Lindsey finished, her eyes flashing angrily over Peyton. Peyton sighed, she should have known that Lucas would do the honorable thing and tell Lindsey about their kiss. Just six hours earlier, Peyton would be gloating and rubbing the kiss in Lindsey's face, but seeing Rachel had helped to remind Peyton that she was better than that.

"Lindsey, I'm sorry. I'm not going to lie to you, I kissed Lucas. It was stupid and juvenile, but there it is. I never meant for any of this to happen, and I never wanted you to get hurt." Peyton apologized. She was sure that her words had fallen on deaf ears.

"Wow, you never meant for me to get hurt? What the hell did you think would happen if you seduced Lucas away from me?" Lindsey replied, shaking her head incredulously. She didn't even give Peyton time to respond before she was out the door, the slam of it rattling the walls.

Peyton truly did feel badly for Lindsey. She had been in Lindsey's shoes and she knew how much she was hurting. That knowledge did little to counter the giddiness that she felt, knowing that Lucas had ended things with Lindsey. She wanted to call Lucas. She paused, remembering the promise she had made to herself, earlier in the evening. Peyton shook her head, rationalizing that since Lucas and Lindsey weren't together any longer, that she could safely make her move.

The phone rang only once before Lucas answered.

"Hi Lucas." Peyton said timidly, she was suddenly unsure of herself. The what-if's began to run through her mind. What if he hated her for ruining his relationship with Lindsey? What if he truly was over her?

"Peyton? Is something wrong?" Lucas asked quickly.

"Not really, why?" She replied, her drunken brain unable to keep up with the conversation.

"It's 2 a.m. Why are you calling so late?" He asked. Peyton smacked herself on the forehead. She glanced at the clock, noting that it was, in fact, 2:16 a.m.

"Uh, well, I just got finished talking to Lindsey, who was hiding out in my office, by the way." Peyton said quietly. She heard Lucas sigh. She suddenly felt guilty for everything that she had put him through. For the first time, since she had learned of Lindsey, she entertained the thought that it was possible that Lucas had actually had feelings for Lindsey. She had always imagined that Lindsey was just some sort of replacement, a stand-in, for Peyton. Peyton's cheeks grew warm as she realized how deluded and selfish she had been.

"I'm sorry Peyton, I never meant for Lindsey to come and attack you. I had hoped that she was above that." Lucas explained, tiredly.

"No, its okay, Lucas. I'm the one that should be apologizing. I've been so horrible, to everyone. I.." Peyton trailed off, pulling the phone away from her ear. She stared at it for a moment, before it grew blurry through her tears, and snapped it shut.


	8. Author's note!

I uploaded the song that Peyton writes in chapter 3, to my website.

Check it out and let me know what you think!

whimzy81. googlepages. com /you'veforgottenme

(You'll have to take out the spaces)


	9. That my life became

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

If Peyton had been in any mood to laugh, the look on Brooke's face would have done the trick. Brooke sat at the kitchen table, glancing from Peyton, to the stairs and finally back to Peyton. Brooke's eyes narrowed as realization dawned on her.

"You mean I've been listening to this crap for four hours and you weren't even here?" she asked, referring to Peyton's choice in music. Peyton was too tired to inform Brooke that Soundgarden did not sound like crap, so she simply nodded. Brooke's expression quickly changed from irate to one of concern.

"Do you want to talk?" Brooke asked hesitantly, trying to feel out Peyton's mood.

"I saw Rachel tonight," Peyton offered, figuring it was better to tell Brooke herself. Brooke's eyes widened at the mention of Rachel.

"Really?" Brooke asked, the curiosity etched on her face. Peyton nodded.

"She was working at the bar that I went to. She really hasn't changed much; she's still as bitchy and perceptive as ever. She gave me some really good advice though," Peyton admitted. Her respect for Rachel had risen greatly this evening.

"Anyway, I was going to head home, but I had the wrong keys, so I went back to Tric. Lindsey was waiting in my office. I guess she and Lucas are taking a break. She blames me," Peyton continued quietly.

"And then I stupidly called Lucas and hung up on him," Peyton finished with a huff, throwing her hands up in defeat.

"Wow, you've had a stellar night, huh?" Brooke asked, coming around the table and throwing her arm over Peyton's shoulder. Peyton gave Brooke a small smile. She really was lucky to have Brooke as a friend. Peyton had treated her like crap the last few weeks, right along with everyone else, and yet Brooke was still here. She still had Peyton's back and for that, Peyton was grateful.

"C'mon, let's get you upstairs. You must be exhausted, you've hardly slept in three days," Brooke said sympathetically. Peyton nodded her agreement. She waved off Brooke's offer to come up with her and drug herself up the stairs. Peyton could hardly keep her eyes open as she fumbled with the light switch. She made a mental note to never mix sleep deprivation and alcohol again. That was her last conscious thought as she was asleep almost before her head hit the pillow.

Peyton's sleep was restless and troubled. Her dreams were filled with unseen terrors. When she finally awoke, drenched in sweat, she nearly rolled over and went back to sleep. The sky was as dark as it was when she'd gone to sleep. A glance at her clock gave her pause. It was 8:36pm. Peyton was only a little surprised that she'd slept the day away. It was the first real sleep she'd had in days. She took a quick shower before heading downstairs.

"Well, good evening sunshine!" Brooke called, glancing at Peyton over a stack of papers.

"I've been debating whether or not to tell you this," Brooke began, nervously. Peyton nodded, signaling Brooke to continue.

"Lucas called for you earlier," Brooke said softly, as if her tone could soften the blow of her words. Peyton froze. It had taken conscious effort from Peyton, not to think about Lucas. Now she was torn. Since he had initiated contact, she couldn't feel guilty for returning his call, but she knew that what was best for her was to distance herself from Lucas Scott, once and for all. She sighed and snatched the phone from Brooke's outstretched hand. She closed her eyes, wondering what in the hell she was doing to herself, as she dialed the familiar number.

"Peyton?" Lucas asked, having obviously checked the caller ID.

"Yeah, it's me," Peyton confirmed, hoping her voice sounded less shaky on the other end of the line. He didn't speak for a moment, but Peyton could hear everything that Lucas wanted to say in that silence.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have bothered you," Lucas said softly. Peyton nodded, wiping away a tear that slid down her cheek.

"Bye, Peyton," Lucas said, the finality in his voice too much for her to bear.

"Wait, Lucas, I love you!" Peyton cried, finally losing all hold on her emotions.

"Lucas?" she whispered, after a moment. The only reply she received was a dial tone in her ear. She was too late.


	10. I just needed someone to talk to

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

The phone slid from Peyton's hand, hitting the floor with a cold, metallic clack. She had blown it. She had lost Lucas for good this time. The tears streamed down her face as she slid down the wall and pulled her knees up under her chin. She wrapped her arms around her legs and sobbed.

"Peyton?" Brooke called, rushing to her side. Brooke knelt beside her and threw her arm around Peyton's shoulders. Peyton lost track of time as they sat in silence, save for Peyton's sobs.

"Alright, c'mon," Brooke said, tugging at Peyton's arm. She allowed herself to be pulled to her feet.

"What did he say?" Brooke asked, after they were seated more comfortably on the couch.

"Not much. It was more what he didn't say, actually. I'm pretty sure he's just done, and I don't blame him. I'm a mess; he deserves so much better," Peyton said bitterly, fighting the tears again.

"Oh sweetie, when are you gonna get it? He deserves you! He wants you!" Brooke said, shaking her head. Peyton let out a cold laugh.

"No, Brooke. He wants Lindsey and I messed that up for him," Peyton said, losing her fight against the tears that spilled down her cheeks. Brooke shook her head.

"No. I know Lucas; he just wants to do what's right by Lindsey, but it's you that he loves." Brooke said. The certainty in Brooke's voice gave Peyton a ray of hope. Could Brooke be right?

"You need to clean yourself up and go to him. Tell him how you feel." Brooke urged. Peyton couldn't believe that Brooke was telling her to go to Lucas after everything that had happened in the last week. She was certain that Lucas had had enough of her antics this week. Yet, he had reached out to her tonight. Maybe there was more truth in Brooke's words than Peyton gave her credit for.

"You're right. I'm done playing games. It's time to lay all of my cards on the table and tell him how I feel," Peyton agreed. Her voice sounded much more confident than she felt, but it was a start. Brooke grinned. Peyton took a deep breath and ran up the stairs. She washed her face, carefully applied her makeup, shook out her hair and flew back down the stairs. Brooke was waiting by the door with the car keys in hand.

"Good luck, P. Sawyer," Brooke said, giving Peyton a reassuring smile. Peyton took the keys and headed out to the car without a glance back. She was terrified that if she didn't keep moving forward that she would lose what little courage she had left. As she drove, she began to practice what she would say to him.

Halfway to Luke's she nearly turned around. The farther she got from home, the stronger the little voice in her head, the one that said she was making a huge mistake, became. The only thing that kept her going was the knowledge that Brooke had never steered her wrong before. She trusted Brooke's judgment, almost more than her own.

As she slowed the car and stopped in front of Lucas's house, her heart felt like it was going to beat out of her chest. She slowly crawled out of the car and crept up the sidewalk. As she stood, hand poised at the doorbell, she could hardly catch her breath. Before she could ring the door, it flew open.

"Peyton, what are you doing here?" Lucas asked, his face a perfect mask of surprise. Faced with Lucas, she faltered. The words that she had rehearsed in her head faded away. She stumbled towards him, her body taking over as her mind shut down. Before she could stop herself, she felt her lips crashing into his. Lucas was stiff at first, but the next moment he relaxed and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her into the house. Finally she broke the kiss. She opened her mouth to speak, but Lucas gently placed a finger on her lips, silencing her. As he bent to kiss her again, she felt a jolt of electricity flow down her spine.

Before she had time to think, she carefully broke free from the kiss and tugged her shirt carefully up, over her head. Lucas's eyes grew wide. He gave her a searching glance. She simply nodded.

Tonight she would have no regrets.


	11. You were just too busy with yourself

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

The sunlight pouring through the window felt heavenly to Peyton's slightly chilled skin. That thought caused Peyton to bolt upright in bed. The sudden realization that she wasn't wearing any pajamas caused some concern. She glanced down and saw Lucas's sleeping form beside her and the glorious dream that she thought she had been having crashed headlong into reality.

"Good morning," Lucas said, groaning softly. Peyton felt her cheeks growing warm as his gaze traveled the length of her. She quickly pulled the sheet up to her neck.

"Um, hi," she sputtered, her nerves from last night making a quick return.

"I think we're a little past pleasantries," Lucas said with a grin. Peyton nodded, an embarrassed smile on her face.

"Although I don't think we ever made it to why you showed up on doorstep in the middle of the night," Lucas said as he climbed out of bed and threw on some clothes.

"Oh, well, I thought that was pretty obvious," Peyton said with a small laugh. Lucas continued to give her that intense, "Lucas Scott" stare.

"I love you, Lucas. There hasn't been a day that's passed since we broke up that I haven't loved you. I thought I could handle being around you again, but I can't. I see you with Lindsey and all I can picture is spending the rest of my life loving you, alone. I don't want that future to become a reality, Luke. I want to be with you," Peyton said, almost pleading with him to love her. Lucas let out a ragged breath. Peyton searched his eyes for some small speck of hope, but found none.

"I love you too, Peyton, but I can't…. I can't be what you need me to be, right now. I should have told you last night, but I'm going to New York, to Lindsey," Lucas said painfully, as if it hurt him to speak those words. Peyton felt the color draining from her face.

"What the hell, Luke? How can you sit there and tell me that you're going to chase after Lindsey, after we slept together!" Peyton said angrily. Her thoughts were flowing a mile a minute, but one stood out among the rest: He'd used her; Lucas Scott had used her.

"I'm sorry. Last night, I don't, I don't know what I was thinking. It was a mistake, it shouldn't have happened," Lucas said, shaking his head. Peyton quickly threw her clothes on and rounded the bed, standing face to face with him.

Before she could stop herself, her opened hand was connecting with Luke's cheek.

"You're right; this was all a huge mistake. One I won't make ever again," She hissed. Without so much as another glance, Peyton turned and walked away. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Lucas's reflection in the mirror. He sank down onto the bed and raked his hands through his messy hair. Peyton fought the urge to run back and comfort him. Instead, she walked out the front door, got in the car and drove off; she was even too angry to cry.

Once she had left the last trace of Lucas's home in her rearview mirror, another problem presented itself. After spending the night away from home, Brooke would be giddily awaiting her. No, Peyton was in no mood to explain to Brooke how she'd been taken for a ride on the Lucas Scott express. That left only one option, and it was a risky one: Haley.

Peyton fumbled for her cell and dialed Haley's number. She sure as hell didn't want to show up there if Lucas were there.

"Hello, Scott residence," Haley answered, in her usual perky voice. Peyton took that as a good sign. No way would Haley still sound this carefree if Lucas had already called.

"Hey Hales, it's Peyton. I could really use someone to talk to, are you busy?" She asked, trying to keep her tone light.

"No, not at all, we're just hanging out. Oh, hey, can you hold on, Lucas is beeping on the other line," Haley asked.

"No! Don't answer it, please? I'll explain when I get there," Peyton begged. The last thing she wanted was for Lucas to show up on Haley's doorstep.

"Okay," Haley said, drawing the word out. Peyton knew that she was asking a lot of Haley without much explanation.

"Thank you so much Haley. I'll see you in a few," Peyton promised. After she'd dropped her phone in the passenger seat, there was nothing to keep her from her thoughts. Things had gone from bad to wonderful to horrible in the matter of a day. Peyton couldn't see how her life could possibly be any more hopeless.


	12. Express how I felt

_This will be the last update over the weekend. I just wanted to take a minute and Thank everyone who reads and reviews! Your thoughts and opinions do so much to help motivate me to continue writing these stories! I hope everyone has a happy and safe weekend! If you read, please review! Thanks!_

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

Peyton carefully pulled the car into the driveway. Haley and Nathan's house looked as large and extravagant as ever. Peyton usually wondered how they managed to stay afloat on Haley's salary as a teacher. Sure, Nathan's disability helped, but it was nothing compared to the money they had been accustomed to making. Today, however, not even those thoughts could hold sway to the ones swirling through Peyton's head. Before she even reached the front door, Haley had thrown it open and rushed out to meet her.

"What's going on?" Haley demanded, a worried look on her face. Peyton wanted to tell her, but she feared Haley's reaction. Haley had been loyal to Lucas for too many years for Peyton to hope that she would see Peyton's side of things. She was beginning to think that it was a mistake to come here.

"Peyton? Why don't we go inside and talk there," Haley said, her brown eyes sparkling with confusion. Peyton nodded and followed Haley up the steps and into the house.

"I don't even know where to begin," Peyton said, after they were seated comfortably in the living room.

"Well, Lucas told me that the two of you kissed," Haley said. Peyton nodded. She wondered if he had told Haley before Lindsey.

"Yeah, and you know all about Lindsey, right?" Peyton asked, already knowing the answer.

"Yeah," Haley nodded.

"I think that pretty much leads us to last night," Peyton said, fidgeting with her hands in her lap. Haley sat silently, waiting for Peyton to continue.

"I went to Lucas's last night; I was going to tell him how I felt about him. Anyway, we didn't really do much talking, if you know what I mean," Peyton said softly, keeping her head down so that she wouldn't have to see Haley's reaction.

"You guys slept together?" Haley asked incredulously, "But, I thought he was going to New York."

"Oh, don't' worry, even a night in bed with me won't keep him from his precious Lindsey," Peyton said angrily.

"He's still going?" Haley asked, her eyebrows shooting upward.

"Of course. I was so stupid Haley. I really thought that he loved me," Peyton said, her anger giving way to an overbearing sadness. Haley, sensitive enough to sense the change in mood, scooted over and carefully placed an arm around Peyton.

"Lucas is a fool. He does love you, Peyton, and he knows it. I just hope it isn't too late when he finally admits it," Haley whispered, stroking Peyton's hair.

Peyton spent the rest of the morning at Haley and Nathan's. Nathan hung out on the couch with her. She even joined him for a game of NBA shootout. Just as Nathan was scoring another basket, the phone rang. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Haley glance from the caller ID, to Peyton and back again. Peyton watched as Haley answered the phone and carefully crept up the stairs. Nathan had no trouble winning the game after that. When Haley rejoined them, Peyton could tell by her puffy, red eyes that she'd been crying. Again, she wished she hadn't involved Haley. Peyton didn't want to drive a wedge between her and Lucas.

"I guess I probably need to get home, before Brooke has the wedding cake ordered," Peyton said bitterly, while Nathan celebrated the easy win. Haley nodded.

"If you need anything Peyton, I'm here," she said, giving Peyton a small smile.

"Yeah, kicking Lucas's ass is on my 'to do' list, you know, as soon as I can walk," Nathan said. Haley playfully slapped his arm.

"Thanks Nate, Haley," Peyton said, feeling a pang of sadness as she watched them banter jokingly. She loved being around them, but the represented too much of what Peyton desperately wanted with Lucas.


End file.
